From Chaos to Calm: The Voyage to Overcoming Burnout
Shawntan Howell sat on the deck of the cruise ship, watching the waves roll by. It was a time for her to be free-flowing and present with the water. She didn’t want anything to spoil this moment.
After leading her non-profit Girls Are Powerful as founder and director for over 10 years, an organization dedicated to empowering young women to prioritize their self-esteem, she made a deliberate choice to embrace the freedom of being at sea. She took in the ocean views, breathed in the salty air, and knew with certainty that this was the quality of life she desired.
A life of spaciousness.
A life of freedom.
A life of ease.
She knew that she’d have her share of decisions to make upon her return, but for now, she was intent on enjoying the gift of solitude.
“I just knew I was just gonna flow so I went on my cruise which was all about me just free-flowing and just being present with the water and enjoying as much as I could and trying not to let things get to me,” Shawntan told me.
At the time of our most recent conversation, she had returned from her cruise only a few days ago, confessing her struggle to adapt to the demands of the “real world.” She longed to relive the lifestyle she had experienced during her voyage, which is why she felt disheartened by the rejection of her application for a leadership embodiment retreat.
Based on the feedback received, the proposal was declined because, although she had relevant experiences, impressive references, and qualifications, she supposedly failed to sufficiently articulate the personal transformation that she would undergo by participating.
“This is when I said to them, ‘I’m disappointed that you didn’t see that in my proposal, which was actually about the renewal of my mind, body, and soul.’”
Shawntan reflected on the words she had just spoken as if realizing how truly they resonated.
She continued:
“And pausing the world so I can truly fully heal. I can then step into this next phase of my work more powerful than I have ever been, right?”
I nodded sympathetically, knowing all too well the point of angst underlying Shawntan’s recount of her application.
“And I’m like ‘so if you already think I’m powerful and I was working at a deficit, just imagine pausing, all those things that are weighing heavy on me so I can go over to New Zealand and get back to dancing and learning my body and learning the acceptance and the confidence…”
She trailed off because she didn’t need to finish her sentence.
The ethos was clear:
If she was able to move proverbial mountains with limited resources, imagine the impact she could have functioning at her highest level of well-being.
I could relate all too well to the sentiment because it’s the dynamic I, too, have been navigating for most of my work life.
Whether leading an under-resourced nonprofit arts organization or steering strategic communications at a small business, I’d grown accustomed to working at a deficit.
Burnout had become the status quo as a result of running on all cylinders, spinning all the plates, and keeping all the balls in the air.
Of course, this dynamic isn’t unique to Black women in leadership; there has been a surge of studies on the mental and physical effects of succumbing to hustle culture.
But the toll this takes on Black women in particular is insidious in nature.
When I met Shawntan last year, she was one of my nonprofit coaching clients. At the time, I was new to my role as Director of Partnerships at a nonprofit fundraising agency and was struggling to manage all of my accounts due to difficulties with retaining grant writers.
On the day of our kickoff call for Girls Are Powerful, I was unexpectedly alone on the virtual call after a grant writer quit. I’ll never forget the look of disappointment on Shawntan’s face as I, visibly disheveled and overwhelmed by the demands of caregiving, struggled to facilitate the call.
Her expression said it all:
I’m still not going to find the help I need here.
Despite the setbacks and challenges she faced in that initial call, Shawntan persevered and continued to work with me as her Director of Partnerships. Over time, I came to understand that her disappointment at that moment stemmed not only from the unexpected absence of the grant writer but also from a deeper sense of frustration and exhaustion.
Shawntan had been working tirelessly for over a decade to uplift and empower young women. She had faced countless obstacles and challenges along the way, from securing funding and resources to navigating the complex world of nonprofit management. And yet, despite all of her hard work, she still felt that she was not getting the support she needed to truly make a difference.
For Shawntan, the disappointment she felt on that call was not just about the absence of a grant writer, but rather a reflection of the larger systemic issues that she faced as a leader in the nonprofit sector. She knew that she needed more than just a reliable grant writer; she needed a partner who shared her vision and was committed to supporting her work in a meaningful way.
It’s been eight months since our initial encounter, and we’ve had the opportunity to unpack the toll of invisible labor Black women face in the social impact sector. And during this period, Shawntan has had several epiphanies that have made her realize that this lifestyle is not sustainable for her.
The biggest wake-up call for Shawntan came with the untimely death of her 31-year-old cousin. “I went from planning the first year of my daughter’s college to this strange dichotomy of simultaneously starting a new life and mourning the loss of my cousin, who was more like a brother to me,” Shawntan shared. “It’s this odd balance of feeling excitement for my daughter’s future while grieving the passing of my cousin/brother, whom my mom practically raised. It’s just that peculiar and conflicting dichotomy.”
“When we hit the 10-year mark, and my daughter was away at college…I realized that things were not the same anymore.”
Shawntan is alluding to the inspiration behind the conception of Girls Are Powerful, and what motivated her to start the organization. She had been facing her own challenges with workplace bullying when her 10-year-old daughter, Jalyn, came home from school and told her that someone had called her fat.
This moment sparked a realization in Shawntan that her daughter and other young girls needed to be taught the importance of self-esteem and self-worth, leading to the birth of Girls Are Powerful.
Shawntan penned her memory of the incident in a personal essay circa 2018:
At that moment, I had a flashback of the start of my own personal insecurities. I heard the nickname I was called that tarnished my sense of self which I carried into adulthood and shaped how I allowed others to treat me. And at that moment, I said to myself…Not My Daughter. Not Anyone’s Daughter.
The flashback Shawntan refers to is that of being significantly taller than most of her peers and pursuing a path in computer science and statistics. Paired with her stature, this academic choice made her stand out, both figuratively and literally, from the crowd.
Shawntan carried with her the notion of not “fitting in” from her youth into adulthood, due to experiences such as reprimands for kicking other people’s seats and teasing at school for not fitting in with stereotypes.
And at the time her daughter approached her about the bullying she was experiencing, Shawntan herself was dealing with microaggressions and abuse of authority that led to anxiety, depression, and diminished self-esteem.
When 10-year-old Jayln looked to her for guidance, that she needed to draw a line in the sand.
“I stopped, shook off the insecurities that had followed me for so long… Acknowledge my personal Power, sat up straight, grasped her hand and looked her dead in the eyes and said ‘You are Beautiful, Smart, Confident, Unique and Determined and Powerful! You possess all of these qualities and no one can take them away from you. No kid at school. No person standing in line in front of you. Not even a manager who thrives off intimidation. With hard work and dedication, you can be and do anything you put your mind to!’”
And with that, Girls Are Powerful was born.
Now that Jayln’s gone away to college, Shawntan is processing what that means for her, and the future of the organization.
While there are still unknowns in her journey, Shawntan has realized that she is entering a season where she no longer believes that being powerful means doing it all.
“I used to joke about being the wizard behind the green curtain, orchestrating everything. But we need healing, space, and time to be with ourselves and our personal thoughts.”
Shawntan reflected, referring to caregivers.
“We need to be able to genuinely mimic what we want for our daughters, not just fake it. So, my mission has shifted, but it doesn’t take away from the importance of the work with Girls Are Power.”
If anything, this shift amplifies the importance of her work with Girls Are Powerful.
In her 1978 book Black Macho and the Myth of the Superwoman, Michelle Wallace writes about the ‘strong black woman’ trope and its dual empowering and disempowering effects:
From the intricate web of mythology which surrounds the black woman, a fundamental image emerges. It is of a woman of inordinate strength with an ability for tolerating an unusual amount of misery and heavy, distasteful work. This woman does not have the same fears, weaknesses, and insecurities as other women, but believes herself to be and is, in fact stronger emotionally than most men. Less of a woman in that she is less feminine and helpless. She is really more of a woman in that she is the embodiment of Mother Earth, the quintessential mother with infinite sexual, life-giving, and nurturing reserves. In other words, she is a superwoman.
While this image may appear empowering, it can also be disempowering, leading to unrealistic expectations of Black women to do it all without seeking support or self-care. By challenging this narrative, Shawntan hopes to create a space for black women to prioritize their well-being and seek the support they need without feeling guilty or ashamed.
This type of power acknowledges one’s inherent strength while also accepting weaknesses. It’s an understanding that being powerful does not mean doing everything on your own without help or rest, but rather, recognizing the value of self-care, boundaries, and community support.
In her work with Girls Are Powerful, Shawntan emphasizes the importance of self-esteem and self-love as the foundation for personal power, and encourages young women to embrace their authentic selves and seek support when needed. As she enters this new season, Shawntan’s journey will undoubtedly continue to inspire and empower those around her to redefine what it means to be truly powerful.
For Black girls and women, the pressure to choose between superhuman-like strength and submitting to oppressive labels and discrimination can make it challenging to envision such a world. Nevertheless, Shawntan believes that this is not a binary narrative, and there is room for nuance. She believes that, especially for Black women, it is crucial to explicitly acknowledge and name our experiences, regardless of the difficulties it may entail.
“I had to confront the fact that what I was going through was burnout. It was a difficult realization because of the prevailing culture. I didn’t have much self-compassion for myself, and I felt like I was letting everyone down. I used to take pride in being highly functional, but I’ve come to understand that such a lifestyle is not sustainable.”
Shawntan acknowledges that it’s not an easy task to choose a path that allows her to be more gentle with herself. However, she recognizes the importance of embracing this space as she navigates through self-discovery. She understands that inherent strength can coexist with vulnerability and imperfection.
In addition to expanding the organization’s mission, Shawntan plans on launching an initiative for women between the ages of 40–55 facing significant life shifts who want to bring a greater focus to their well-being. She describes it as a hub that “provides a holistic approach that balances their mind, body, heart, and soul.” Much like what she accomplished through Girls Are Powerful, she seeks to empower these women in realizing their inherent abilities needed for envisioning fulfilling lives while understanding they control their destinies.
Moving towards this new direction means less sacrifice for Shawntan, as she acknowledges the demands of advocacy and the burnout she has experienced over the past decade. Her aspirations for future endeavors include serving others from a place of abundance, rather than depletion, by shedding the mythical cape of black super-womanhood and embracing grace-filled restorative practices such as spaciousness and abundance.
Reflecting on her teenage years, Shawntan recalls the statuesque girl who once sat in the backseat of a small car, knees pressed to her chin due to the weight and pressure from the driver’s seat in front of her. Her lower back ached, her neck was strained from craning forward, and her spine suffered from constantly curling her legs toward herself in a literal attempt to fit in.
This image of her adolescent self coiling up in a near-fetal position in a cramped compact vehicle contrasts with the serene image of present-day Shawntan standing at the bow of a ship: chest open, shoulders back, breathing in the ocean air with a satisfied smile.
Today, she gazes upon that memory with compassion and acknowledges that parts of her still grapple with feelings of not quite fitting in. However, as an adult woman who has mentored young girls, she now draws from the wisdom of experience and harnesses determination and passion to serve as a beacon of hope for women and girls alike.
Shawntan has taken control of her ship and is now confidently steering it toward her mission.
She is no longer trying to navigate through treacherous waters by making herself small and insignificant. Instead, she confidently takes charge, breathing deeply, strategizing, and embracing her commanding presence rooted in self-worth.
Her mission is to redefine power, and she is determined to lead other women toward recognizing their own inherent worthiness and their ability to chart their own course in life.
